Today Fred and I both woke up with a big of the case of the grumpies. He's tired of being sore, tight, in pain and in the hospital. I tend to set myself up for disappointment on holidays that are supposed to be, in my mind, "all about me" i.e. my birthday and mother's day. Even though I know these are really extenuating circumstances, it doesn't stop me from waking up this morning and just thinking "this sucks." Then a good dose of guilt comes up for even thinking that because you see a lot of less fortunate people around here, but I guess I just have needed to throw myself a pity party for most of the day. For as lucky as we are, it doesn't take away from the fact that this really does suck at times. It's hard for me to share that with all of you. I have gotten so many comments about how strong I have been, and I am able to hold on to that for about 80% of the time, but this is never something anyone asks for or wishes to go through. I apologize for the downer post, but I think I need to vent these emotions a little too.
My mom is up here this weekend, so it is good to spend Mother's Day with her, but of course I feel guilty for not doing anything for her or all the moms in my life. She's here supporting me, and I'm an emotional basket case. We went over to a friend's house this morning for brunch which was wonderful, and Kalyn was able to play on the swing set with the girls and have a good time without me. I had a hard time relaxing because even though I know I needed to get away, it was so hard for me to leave Fred on a weekend "holiday" even though the holiday is technically for me. As soon as we left the hospital I started feeling anxious to get back.
We got back and I felt pulled in 3 directions: Kalyn needing a nap, needing to get Fred out and about and needing to have some time for myself. It ended up working out because my mom was able to get Kalyn to sleep, and Fred was still napping, so I went outside and vented to my sister. I was able to get Fred out of bed after that and get him a little time in the sunshine. He was uncomfortable and sore, but I made a deal with him that if he walked his way around in his wheelchair or stretched out his hips for a half hour, I would let him get back into bed and take a nap. I really feel like I have to give him tough love at those times and even though all he wants to do is crawl back into bed, not take him there and make him move around for awhile because the soreness and tightness is not going to get any better with napping all day neither is it going to make his nights any easier. He could see that at the end and said it was helpful.
I feel much better after venting. The days are filled with such a roller coaster of emotions. When I don't just go with whatever I'm feeling and let it out it just gets worse. I appreciate everyone listening!