Sunday, May 9, 2010

Tough Love

Today Fred and I both woke up with a big of the case of the grumpies. He's tired of being sore, tight, in pain and in the hospital. I tend to set myself up for disappointment on holidays that are supposed to be, in my mind, "all about me" i.e. my birthday and mother's day. Even though I know these are really extenuating circumstances, it doesn't stop me from waking up this morning and just thinking "this sucks." Then a good dose of guilt comes up for even thinking that because you see a lot of less fortunate people around here, but I guess I just have needed to throw myself a pity party for most of the day. For as lucky as we are, it doesn't take away from the fact that this really does suck at times. It's hard for me to share that with all of you. I have gotten so many comments about how strong I have been, and I am able to hold on to that for about 80% of the time, but this is never something anyone asks for or wishes to go through. I apologize for the downer post, but I think I need to vent these emotions a little too.

My mom is up here this weekend, so it is good to spend Mother's Day with her, but of course I feel guilty for not doing anything for her or all the moms in my life. She's here supporting me, and I'm an emotional basket case. We went over to a friend's house this morning for brunch which was wonderful, and Kalyn was able to play on the swing set with the girls and have a good time without me. I had a hard time relaxing because even though I know I needed to get away, it was so hard for me to leave Fred on a weekend "holiday" even though the holiday is technically for me. As soon as we left the hospital I started feeling anxious to get back.

We got back and I felt pulled in 3 directions: Kalyn needing a nap, needing to get Fred out and about and needing to have some time for myself. It ended up working out because my mom was able to get Kalyn to sleep, and Fred was still napping, so I went outside and vented to my sister. I was able to get Fred out of bed after that and get him a little time in the sunshine. He was uncomfortable and sore, but I made a deal with him that if he walked his way around in his wheelchair or stretched out his hips for a half hour, I would let him get back into bed and take a nap. I really feel like I have to give him tough love at those times and even though all he wants to do is crawl back into bed, not take him there and make him move around for awhile because the soreness and tightness is not going to get any better with napping all day neither is it going to make his nights any easier. He could see that at the end and said it was helpful.

I feel much better after venting. The days are filled with such a roller coaster of emotions. When I don't just go with whatever I'm feeling and let it out it just gets worse. I appreciate everyone listening!


  1. Oh, are being strong and expressing your emotions (all of the roller coaster parts as well) is one of the best things to do! I'm sending you and Fred and Kalyn so much love on this mother's day. You are amazing.

  2. Hi Jenna - As you may know, your mom and I have re-connected over Christmas cards and events that have happened in our lives. The other day she gave me the link to your blog. I am so sorry you have had this turn of events with Fred's accident. But I am also encouraged with the progress he has made...I just know he will be 100% once he finishes all of his rehab and after taking the time to heal. I am dealing with a terminal illness which is treatable and let me tell you, there are some days I get down, but most days i go on with my life, do what I have to do to control the illness, and I must say I am happy most of the time! I live one day at a time - I know this sounds like a cliche, but it is so true - and I truly love my life! And Jenna, when you have those down days, you have to share and work it out - it actually takes a strong person to be able to do that! And your friends and family want to support you. So here's to a new day tomorrow full of all kinds of Fred's continued improvement, you going out for a run, and cuddling that precious little girl....she is a doll. And vent whenever you need to...xoxo Cathy Vargen

  3. I agree with Ara, You are AMAZING! Thanks for sharing your day even though it was a hard one. In my experience, the day after a holiday is always a better day :-). So here's to that, and a big glass of wine. Love you with all my heart!

  4. Jenna - I love you vvvvvvvvveeeerrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy much. You are a wonderful mother, woman and wife. We are all here for you no matter what - good day or bad day. You are a human being. Vent to us all you want. We are listening. Yay for sunshine.

  5. Hi Jenna and Fred,

    Reading along, keeping you in our prayers and thoughts. We are so pleased that everything is going well.

    As you state, is must be incredibly difficult and we can't imagine the roller coaster ride you are on!

    But, we can say that you have sooo much love and support from your family and friends. Let us share in your thoughts (vent all you need to) and burdens; we will help you carry the load. You do not need to travel this journey by yourself.

    Thanks for posting the blog and keeping us in the know!

    All of us from Durango Fire