Thursday, May 13, 2010

So many emotions for one day

Fred was so bright eyed and up beat today. He knew and understood about the meeting today. Tom told me he even put in an extra shave in before his last class before the meeting, and he said something to me about being able to impress them and get out of here sooner rather than later.

I had been holding in my mind Fred getting discharged in the beginning of June, so hearing June 25th as a tentative date really took the wind out of my sails. I broke down in the meeting as soon as the doctor said that date. Even though I know no one is leaving me alone, my husband, my partner, the father of our child, is not going to be there for me. No matter how much help I get from all of you, I will always want him back to whatever "normal" was before even if that was a place where I would get annoyed from not getting as much help from Fred on the parenting front as I would have liked.

I had to go through some anger at Fred today for putting me through this. Even as I felt anger, I know that it is also hard on him to think about being here for so long and what we are all going through. I can't help but relate to the emotional turmoil that I'm sure my dad went through just over 3 years ago, and I have such a huge fear related to that of Fred getting depressed and ashamed of what he is going through.

The doctors were very encouraging for me to go home and get some normalcy in my life and Kalyn's. I feel like that has been one of the scariest things for me to face because it is supposed to be "normal" but it won't be while he is up here or even after he comes home. It is like I am on some weird vacation that isn't really fun, but it's far enough removed that I can also look forward to getting back home to a regular life.

This blog has been such a good way for me to vent and release my frustrations, knowing that so many people that care about us are listening. I'm not very good at completely letting go emotionally to anyone, so this allows me to let go on my own, but share with all of you what I'm going through. Fred's brain injury makes him shut down once he gets fatigued or has too much stimulus. There are times where I envy that ability to stop taking things in and tune out right now.

Tonight we had a nice dinner, and there was a little music session on the therapeutic rec room. I was just a group of about 6 people playing guitars and singing, and it brought me back to my days at Santa Barbara Middle School and singing songs around the campfire. It was beautiful, but it also broke my heart to have Fred sitting just outside the circle and not playing a guitar himself. Someone asked him if he played guitar and he mostly shrugged off the comment, but I know in time he will be back to playing. Here's to a good guitar solo from Fred coming soon!


  1. Our hearts go out to all of you. We can't wait to be there to give you some support.
    Christl and Val

  2. You can do it, Jenna. I just know it.
    I love you.

  3. Jenna, it makes complete sense that you would want him back to help as soon as possible, and I hope you don't feel guilty for that. You are bearing a lot and can do it! Let me know if you would like some company soon!

    Heidi Jordan