Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Emotional Review

So I went into hibernation mode, which is normal for me, and I'm only temporarily peaking my head out right now to say, OMG! we went through a lot last year! Obviously, many people are way ahead of me in realizing this, but my emotions are just catching up. I am an anniversary kind of gal, so good or bad, anniversaries mean a lot to me. The anniversary of when Fred and I first met and had our first date and got married are very special. The anniversary, aka birthday for Kalyn, will always be a special and wild ride down memory lane for me.

The more difficult anniversaries are harder because they are not ones you celebrate, but I still feel the need to honor and mark the day as something big that happened in my life. My dad has been gone for four years, and the anniversary of his death is still really hard for me. On the anniversary of Fred's accident, I avoided the computer and expressing anything because it was still too raw for me. Now, as we are coming up on the anniversary of Fred being discharged from rehab one year ago, I find my emotions bubbling over and writing the best way to let it out.

I usually try to be the "glass half full" or "on the bright side" kind of person, and I do truly believe that there is good to be found in even the worst situations (sometimes it just takes some time and looking back to find it). Last year, in the midst of a really tough situation, I was in denial about a lot of possibilities, and I was trying to find any silver lining to each and every dark cloud in my horizon.

All of the dark clouds are gone now, and I am sobbing as I write this, because we are all ok. Now I'm laughing as I review that sentence because it doesn't appear to make sense. I held on to the hope and wish for Fred to be ok/fine/like he was before the entire time and never wanted to believe the doctors' diagnosis of the severity of his injury because I just wanted him to be ok and be back with us as our family.

I guess I am finally letting go of the part of myself that was so afraid last year of all of the worst outcomes and the part that I was never able to share or go to myself very often. I am releasing that pain and suffering now because we really are fine, especially Fred. He is back to his normal self, whatever that was before the accident. He hasn't yet been back on a bicycle, but I'll save that for another post...