Thursday, May 27, 2010


I started off the day feeling down at it took me looking at the calender to realize that Fred's bike accident was on the 27th of April. After my dad died, I would notice how anniversaries would creep up and I would feel them emotionally before I would realize the relation to the date. Last night I was turning off the sprinklers in the dark, mad about doing something Fred would normally take care of. Then in the middle of the night the dog started freaking out, probably because the bear that was in the neighborhood the night before was back again, and I got frustrated about Fred not being here. Fred has always been my protector and kept me safe, but I'm learning how to be strong for myself in this process.

This morning I had coffee with Jody, a woman whose husband was hit by a car while he was bicycling almost 2 years ago, and it felt so good to connect with someone who had shared the same experience. Their injuries are completely different, but she has been the whole process and seen the other side. It felt so supportive to talk to a spouse that has survived all the trauma that we remember but the patient forgets.

Today I realized a mistake I had made at work. It's nothing that can't be corrected, but I really don't like making mistakes and overlooking things. I feel like I'm overlooking about 80 percent of my life right now. My life has been reduced to feeling a sense of accomplishment if I keep our daughter safe and fed by the end of the day. The pets usually get fed on a regular basis too, and my next focus is remembering to bathe our daughter.

Fred has been taking any kind of encouragement from his doctors and thoughts from his therapists, like referring to him as a short-timer, as a sign that his discharge date is being moved up. Today he was talking to me about dates, when I get back from the wedding, when his dad is leaving and was saying they were talking about a meeting for Tuesday to possibly change the date he can come home. I called the case worker after I got off the phone with him, and he doesn't have anything scheduled. The doctors and therapists meet weekly to discuss the patients, so that might be what he heard and thinks they will change the date he gets released. They told me they were trying to be encouraging to him but also realistic, and right now, I can see that is a very hard line to walk because all he wants to hear is he is ready to come home.

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