Remembering

Fred read the accident report yesterday, and an eye witness said it looked like he hit a patch of gravel and crashed. He said he has a vague memory of coming down Hesperus hill, hearing a car, looking over his left shoulder and moving over to the right. He feels like this memory is close to the accident, and I told him he hadn't done that ride in awhile, so it is probably right before his crash. For Fred, this helps him wrap his head around crashing on his bike. He has been riding a road bike for about 20 years, and he hasn't ever crashed other than one that was from riding in a pack. Getting out of the way of a car and hitting gravel that was deeper than appeared makes more sense to him than somehow not seeing some large rock in the road. I drive past where he crashed a few times a week, and I have constantly been looking for some large object he could have hit. I never found anything, but even I noticed how much gravel was leftover on the side of the road from the heavy winter we had.

I'm pestering Fred with phone calls a few times a day. It's really wearing on me not seeing him for so long. Kalyn is getting quite good at a phone conversation. She'll talk to Daddy, tell him what she's working on and then abruptly end the conversation with "I love you, bye." I can see her missing her daddy time in the way she is connecting with other friends of ours that are dads. From the day she was born, she has been a mama's girl, but she and Fred really connected when she came out of the baby stage. He is more fun than I am at the park and doing active things with her. Yesterday she was telling me about how Daddy had taken her to the yellow park which is what he did with her for a few hours the Sunday before his accident. I'm trying to explain things to her in a time line she will understand about Daddy coming home. Today we were at a birthday party for our close friends' kids that are turning 8 and 10. She told a 10 year old today "my Daddy is in Denver and has lots of owies."

We went to farmer's market this morning. I'm still feeling raw emotionally, so running into people can catch me off guard. I wore a hat to try and be a little incognito. I always think I'm in disguise when I am wearing a hat and sunglasses, so when someone recognizes me when I have a helmet or hat on and sunglasses, I'm always shocked.

I'm sleeping fairly well at night, but still feeling drained throughout the day. I tend to be able to push through a tough time but once things start to slow down, all the emotional stuff I've kept down to deal with the emergencies comes up. I guess that's what I'm doing now, so it's good to have some quiet time to process all of this because even I'll admit, I've been through and seen a lot in the last month and a half. Yesterday Fred was apologizing that he was sorry I had to witness one of the many scary moments in the first few days, and he said it was worth a good cleaning of my car by him. I let him know that he is in debt a little more than a simple car cleaning with me!

On a side note, I think I made it easier to comment on the blog. Your comments and/or emails help me get through the day, even if it is just to say hi!