Processing

I feel like I am processing a lot right now, but it feels more related to having spent a week with family for my sister's wedding than it does have to do with Fred's recovery. It was such a fun weekend, but I'm tired, so that makes me much more emotional.

Fred is really in the same space as I am right now. He is tired of being up there and ready to come home and get his life back. I want that right now too, so it's easy for me to want to agree with him. After all of the travel and time being away from home in the last 6 weeks has really worn me out. I feel very torn between what I want and what I need. I need a quiet week and weekend at home, but I also don't want to go a month without seeing Fred. It keeps working itself out, so I'm trying to just let it go, but I'm not being that successful at the moment.

When I talked to Fred tonight, he was very tired of the opinions of everyone else, and he thinks he is fine. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks, so it's hard for me to weigh in on how I think he is doing. The hardest thing for me is he sees that I am worn down and need a break. He told me as much as he would love to see us, he's ready to wait to see us for when we come pick him up to bring him home. I appreciate that he is being so thoughtful about what I need, but I also feel like part of that is related to him thinking he will be checked out sooner than the tentative discharge date.

Now I'll switch subjects and highlight the fun points of my weekend at my sister's wedding. Friday night we hosted the rehearsal dinner that house we had been staying at. It was a great party and Uncle Jerry did a fantastic job grilling up the kabobs, Aunt Barbara managed the whole kitchen and my brother's girlfriend Becca was an invaluable help the whole day. Scott's parents had gotten Emily a room at the hotel she was getting married at for that night, and she wanted me to stay with her. I got to leave Kalyn at the house and have a night off myself. Our wild bachelorette night was staying up until 10 watching the tv show about brides finding their perfect wedding dresses. It was a nice mellow night for us both, and she was able to get a good night of sleep before her wedding. We took a nice walk on the beach in the morning and got our hair done. It was a nice slow mellow morning and everyone commented on how calm she was.

The wedding was absolutely beautiful and Kalyn did a great job as flower girl. She even dropped a few handfuls of petals. We had practiced the day before, and as she was walking down the aisle, she looked up at me and said "look mom, I'm dropping petals!" I had also hidden a little box of candy at the bottom of her basket of petals, and she found that right at the end of the aisle and said "look mom, I found candy!" She sat down and ate her box of tiny candies, one at a time, during the whole ceremony and nobody heard from her!

The reception was very fun, and Kalyn had little girls to play with and lots of family to watch over her, so I was able to have fun while being there for my sister. I love weddings because so many people are coming together for such a happy reason. I was very emotional at the end of the evening saying goodbye to the family, but I just have such an appreciation for family after this whole experience with Fred. As I said in my toast on Saturday, my definition of family is not about who is blood related to you. It's about the people that are there for you through the good times and the bad. Right now I feel like I have a huge family.