Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Mom Guilt - daycare

This will certainly not be the only post on mom guilt...it is a never ending subject. One of my latest guilt issues with my daughter of 2+ is that I have her in daycare 3 days a week. I work part time from home, but I really stuggle because I feel like I should be able to have her home with me and manage to work while she naps, but that has just never really worked. Especially now that she is 2 and wants to be involved in everything I do. Plus she gets bored being at home with me everyday and wants to play with other kids where I feel like I need to get work done and also just like being a homebody.

So with 3 days a week of her being at school allows me get most of my work done on those days and then really try and focus on her while she is home. But then my next piece of guilt comes in... While she is home, usually one day, I try and clean the house for a couple of hours. Most of the time she is playing independently in her toy room (which I feel is really important) or *helping* me while I clean, but I feel like I should be interacting with her more and teaching her something.

So why do can't I let go of the guilt that I know I can't do it all?? When she goes to school and she comes home, I feel like a better mom on the days when she is home because I've been able to accomplish something and feel like an adult and have my own agenda and not get mad at her for trying to *help* me on the computer or throwing a tantrum while I'm on the phone for business.

She was sick this past weekend with a fever and I kept her home from school one day which of course was a day that I had a budget meeting and had stuff I needed to get done. The whole weekend I felt I had so much compassion for her while she had a fever and was sick, but as soon as she was well on the weekday while I needed to get work done and the week previous had planned on her being in school, compassion went out the window and I found myself getting mad and realizing that I JUST CAN'T DO IT ALL!

I know it is important to both of us that she go to daycare a few days a week to give her new interaction and give me time to focus. I always imagine that maybe if I didn't work, I could be the full time stay at home mom like I had pictured, but maybe we both just need this break. It's one of those "what ifs" that I can't explore too far both financially and because I just need to be in the life I'm in. So I will keep working on forgiveness for myself for putting my daughter in a daycare setting that she and I both love.

On the topic of mom guilt in general, the scary thing is she's 2 and I'm in my 30s and my mom tells me that the mom guilt never really ends...

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