Nonspring Break

Kalyn's spring break is starting out to be not so much of a break or a spring. I tried to wake up early to get some time to myself, but her mamadar went off, and she was up earlier than she would have been if I had slept in. So now I am trying to just go with what the week presents and not try and have too many to-do lists or plans because those always seem to get foiled on a week like this. We also woke up to a snowy day, and it hasn't in awhile here, especially during the day time.

I am doing my best to not feel whiny in this situation while the other half of the town in basking in warm weather in cities further south. I am having a nice day at home with Kalyn. We got out for a walk while it wasn't snowing; she has started asking to ride her Dora tricycle around the neighborhood; we made a batch of cookies together. Most of all, I feel fortunate to have a fairly flexible job where I work from home and can plan ahead and not have to scramble to find somewhere for her to go on a week like this when her school is closed. I know I am one lucky lady with everything I have in my life, and I don't forget it, even if I am having one of those days...

A Good Run

I went for a long run the other day in preparation for a very long run I will be doing at the end of the month. The morning had started out as a nice day that looked like it would be a long sunny afternoon like the previous days of the week. Once I had completed my errands in town and actually started my run, it was clouding up and was threatening to snow on me. I set out with water, snacks and and my dog, carrying extra warm clothes for me in his pack, and decided to just be brave. This being said, I am not a brave person. I spent most of the morning debating with myself about going running on a trail with no one other than my dog. I can easily get scared running on trails by myself because lions and tigers and bears could be out there, right?

Finally, I convinced my mind that the trail I was going out on was somehow going to be "safe" and went out for my run. The trail was a mix of mud, snow and actual nice dry trail, but mostly mud and snow. Once I left the main meadow portion of the trail, I was following one set of footprints through the snow and mud. It took me awhile to figure out they weren't footprints from the same day because I found a set that were frozen over near the top of the trail, but they did help me know I was staying on someones trail when the snow covered the actual dirt/mud. My dog was a good running companion, and I kept a close eye on him when he would sniff the air for whatever dogs sniff the air for, lions, tigers and bears, right?

Once I had reached the top of the trail and started to turn towards my car and home, the sun came out and I had a glorious time running in some March sunshine, feeling strong and not scared of lions, tigers and bears. There was still more mud and snow to get through plus a few scary minutes when I couldn't find my dog, but overall, it was one of the most empowering solo runs I have done and left me feeling happy to be me.

Teasing

Kalyn has not wanted to go to school most mornings that she is scheduled to go. She has always liked playing at home and rarely gets bored with many days at home in a row. Usually, she can be talked into going to school and sometimes had a hard transition getting settled into school but then has a good day. At three and a half, she has quite the imagination and likes to pretend she is a character for a day, usually related to a princess or a movie she has recently watched. For awhile she would be upset walking into school saying "they are going to call me Kalyn!" I tried explaining to her to not get mad about it because that was how people knew her and to just ask nicely for people to call her whatever she wanted for the day. Now she walks into school and says "would you please call me Pocahontas today?" The teachers are good at calling her the name she wants to be, but three and four year olds can be a littler harsher. The other day I noticed 3 boys sitting at the table and when she told the whole room who she was that day, the boys started making up other names and laughing. They weren't bad or rude names, but it was a form of teasing her, and it made me wonder if that had something to do with her not wanting to go to school. Even as an adult, I don't like to be teased like that. I talked to the teacher later in the day, and she said she will talk to the boys. I'm so sensitive about being teased, and I felt it personally when my daughter was teased.

Relating

I have found I have a hard time emotionally when someone I know is experiencing something really difficult that I have had a similar experience with. I feel like I should reach out and relate to them or do something to help, but it brings up difficult emotions for me, so I end up feeling paralyzed emotionally. I like it when I can fix things and make everything all better, but there are times when you can't put things back to the way they were and only move forward with life.

The other night when Fred came home and told me that the husband of a woman who did his rookie fire training with him committed suicide over the weekend. This is never information you want to hear about, especially when you know the people involved.

Unfortunately, I am relating the woman's experience because of my dad. I am feeling some of her pain and disbelief, and I'm at a complete loss of what to do for her. When I was experiencing loss on this level, there wasn't anything you could do for me because there wasn't a way to make it not have happened. I want to be there for her as someone who can relate to a similar experience, even though right now, her pain and mine feels too raw. It makes me wish I had the ability to not let anyone I know directly experience any of the really difficult emotional experiences I have been through like this.

With everything I went through with my dad's suicide and Fred's accident, I will reach out to her because even though I don't have the magic wand to make everything better, I do have the gift of friendship that so many people gave to me. I can only imagine what scary emotions and thoughts everyone had to swallow to reach out to me while I was in the thick of those deep, dark times. Now I will dive in and be there for someone else, knowing that I was held on one side of going through the experience and trusting that I will also be held while being there as a friend.

A Screw Lose

A couple of weeks ago Fred thought he had something in the corner of his eye. I took a look at it, and thought it looked like an ingrown hair. Further inspection made us realize he should make a doctor's appointment to get a closer look because it felt metallic to me and I didn't want to hurt anything. He wasn't able to get an appointment for about a week and a half and in that period of time, it didn't go away. The night before his doctor's appointment I was looking at it and realized it was a screw. Yes, a SCREW, like a phillips head mini eye glass screw coming out right next to his eye. Yikes! (You can see it in the outer corner in the picture above)

In April of 1995, Fred was in an avalanche and had to have the left side of his face rebuilt with titanium plates, so we knew where the screw was coming from, but it wasn't where it was supposed to be anymore, under his skin, holding the plate together.

We really like our family doctor, so I went along to the appointment because I couldn't wait to see what he had to say about this. We had some good laughs joking about Fred having a screw lose, made even more laughable with a traumatic brain injury within the last year. We could laugh about it because the screw didn't have anything to do with his recent head injury and he is practically fully recovered.

The doctor did take it seriously, even if he told us it was the coolest body piercing he has ever seen, and we got an appointment for the next morning with the plastic surgeon who rebuilt his face back in 1995. The plastic surgeon determined the screw was no longer attached to bone or metal and numbed the area locally and then pulled the screw out.

Fred does his best to keep it interesting around here!

A Quiet Weekend

I got to have a quiet weekend to myself at home last weekend, and it was wonderful. My mom had planned on taking Kalyn for the weekend so Fred and I could have a weekend away to ourselves. It took a lot of planning to find that particular weekend, and after my mom and I had it squared away, Fred realized he had signed up for a training for Saturday and Sunday 8-5. Kalyn was so excited to go to Nana's house that I decided to keep the weekend as planned and just enjoy some time to myself. IT WAS WONDERFUL. I feel guilty saying that because of course I love my life and wouldn't change a thing, but it felt so nice to be able to sleep in my bed and sleep in late in the morning without anyone needing anything for me.

Saturday, after sleeping in, I went for a long run and then got a massage. It was a perfect combination and might have to happen! I came home to a quiet house and sat and read my book and drank tea for the afternoon. Fred came home and we went out to a nice dinner and then I got to sleep in again! I spent half the day in my pajamas, caught up with a girlfriend that moved away last year, and didn't pick up the house at all. It felt rather rebellious to not do any of my normal roles for the weekend. I realized how strict I can be with myself sometimes, but to give myself the time to do whatever I wanted, even if it was nothing at all was very rejuvenating. I got my batteries recharged which was helpful before this past week when no one has been sleeping very well. I only made one comment (outside of earshot of a certain 3 year old) that night times are for sleeping, but otherwise, I managed to not get mad and know we would all catch back up on sleep eventually.

To have a weekend to myself at home was a gift that I received at perfect timing. I wasn't at my whits end before the weekend, but I definitely needed it before this week we had. This weekend is not going to be a quiet weekend, but it is also not too busy. There is always balance in life, sometimes you just have to take a step back to see it.

Love

I've learned a lot about love this past year. Becoming a mother taught me a lot about love, and so did having my life turned upside down after Fred's accident. These moments allowed me to see exactly what was really important and forget about all the rest. I feel so fortunate for my husband and daughter. They have both taught me so much about love and showed me more love than I feel I deserved at times.

I tell Kalyn I love her so much that she just laughs a little and says "I know, I love you too." Language has always been fascinating to me, and especially how we learn and understand it. I know my daughter knows what love is, but when and how do we learn and associate the word with the feeling? I always think of learning a foreign language and how words that are super powerful can be said without realizing the impact a native speaker would have. Kids are such emotional sponges, so I'm guessing Kalyn has learned what the word love means because she can feel what my heart is feeling towards her when I say it.

Fred and Kalyn mean the world to me, and I love them both with all of my heart. It feels hard to narrow down what I love about them both to a couple of things, but I'll give it a try. I love Fred's strength and determination, but especially his sensitive and quiet side. He is one of the most giving people I have ever met in my life. I love Kalyn's belly laugh and her sweet cuddles after she wakes up. She has taught me more about myself than I ever thought possible and is the best gift I have ever received in life.