More to Say

I've been going back and forth since my last post on whether or not I would keep blogging. After months of putting everything out there, I needed a little hibernation time. It scared me how much of myself and our experience I exposed to everyone, but in reality, I am an honest person that loves to tell a long drawn out version of a story that could be told in two sentences, so I would have told the same stories to any person who had read what I wrote.

What finally made me decide it was time to decide to break out of hibernation was reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I just finished the book, loved the entire thing, but the final paragraph of the book brought tears to my eyes because it rang so true for my life.

"In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices."

Right now, that is me in a nutshell or a paragraph - however you care to look at it.

I have resurfaced, and I am realizing I want to write, no matter how scary it is to think about people reading it.

For a quick update, we are all healthy and doing well. As weird as it may sound, it frightens me how calm and happy our lives are right now. I have my own fears with settling into and accepting the happy, calm times in my life because I've seen the tormenting times a few times. I'm trying to take this time to be aware that I'm feeling centered, peaceful and connected and enjoy it and not go to the fear of whatever is brewing on the horizon. Life is cyclical and has its ups and downs, so I have to enjoy the ups because I have certainly felt the downs.

I don't quite feel like I'm in the eye of a hurricane, but there is a lot going on right outside my little family of three circle in the people that I care about. It feels strange to be happy and healthy in our own little unit and have others close to me going through so much. I mentioned that to my mom the other day and her comment was, "that was everyone else last year about you." My intention is to be present in the calmness in my life right now and send loving, healing thoughts and prayers to the people in my life that I care about.

May we all try to be present in our current moment whether it be calm or traumatic. These are the times I find myself most likely trying to escape but the most beautiful and teaching if I stay.

Two Down, Seven to Go

Fred sent out the note below with the title of "Two Down, Seven to Go" to everyone he works with, and I really appreciated hearing his side of the story, so I thought I would share it with those of you that read this but don't work with Fred.

Many of you know that I have now returned to work on a part-time basis but I wanted to send out a message to say hello and provide you with some information about my recent “vacation”.

The first thing I want to do is say thank you to everyone for all the tremendous support and good karma that you all sent out to myself and my family during the past 3 months. I was a bit taken back by all the good will that was being sent our way and it really left a lasting impression on me about what a wonderful company we have. The values that were established early on in Mercury’s history set the standard for the manner in which we conduct business and represent ourselves in the community. It is only during the tough times when an organization’s values are truly revealed and once again the values of the people that make up Mercury have shined brightly.

From the time that I was initially visited in the hospital by some dear friends, up until yesterday when I read through some old birthday well-wishes, I have continuously been impressed by the generosity and good nature of all of you. That helped to keep me motivated for a quick recovery so I could return to work ASAP, and I sincerely appreciate that! The monetary donations that were collected significantly helped to ease the burden of the day to day expenses that my wife was faced with and the value of that cannot be understated.

I would also like to mention that up until this point we have been pleasantly surprised by the coverage and treatment that we have received from our benefits providers. It goes without saying that it will be quite some time before all the obligations are fulfilled but so far it has gone better than I initially expected. Terry Moore and the rest of our HR team deserve a lot of recognition and appreciation for the time and work that they have invested in evaluating our benefits providers. Say “cheese” ladies!

Since my return to Durango I have had a chance to talk to many folks but I there are still a lot of folks that I have not caught up with. It seems that everywhere I go I’m still running into folks who want to hear more about what happened and/or how I’m doing. So let me take a moment to offer few details so you have a better understanding of what it means for my work status.

Overall, I have had an amazing recovery considering the serious nature of the Traumatic Brain Injury that I sustained (“TBI” to those of us in the biz). TBIs are a bit of a crap shoot in terms of the short-term and long-term effects that they can have. Statistically I appear to be beating the odds and my doctors and therapists have been quite amazed by the speed of my recovery. I feel very fortunate to be back to nearly 100%, but the reality is that I am still fairly early on in this process and I am not yet at 100%. For this reason, the doctors are currently limiting me to 24 hours/week at work and I do have some dietary and physical precautions that I have been advised to follow. I’m afraid I just have to stay away from ladders while I’m here. Fortunately, I expect the limit to my available hours here to be eased in about 2-3 months.

Those of you who know my history know that this is my second major close call and that this is also my second TBI. In the past few months I have heard a lot of folks comment that it appears I have nine lives or that I might actually be a roach. Personally, I prefer to think that I am actually related to Keith Richards and I take comfort in the fact that my wife now knows that she can’t kill me for the insurance money. But all joking aside, I want to take just a moment to pontificate about these life experiences (while listening to Exile On Main Street-of course).

While I am somewhat reluctant to start preaching the merits of wearing a helmet to everyone, I do feel that it is well worth mentioning that there is no way I would be here, composing this email, had I not been wearing one when I crashed. I’m not going to pretend that there haven’t been times over the years when I didn’t leave the helmet at home because “I was just going for a quick valley ride” or because I was only riding around town. I did however, make a conscious decision over the past couple of years to always wears my helmet, for my wife and daughter’s sake, and I am very glad that I took that responsibility seriously. Now that I have witnessed the disparity of injuries and effects that are sustained by folks with and without them first hand, I can’t stress enough the importance of wearing a helmet (and having your kids wear one) for each and every activity that merits one. It only takes one unexpected accident and a lifelong disability is not something that would be very easy to accept when you know that it possibly could have be avoided.

It is unfortunate fact of life that very few of us get through it without facing some significant challenges and/or personal tragedy. Simply put, life is a pretty delicate matter. While it is often easy to get caught up in our own personal drama, it can sometimes be difficult to recognize and acknowledge the challenges that the folks around us may be experiencing. Likewise it can also be difficult to remember to appreciate all the fortunate circumstances that we experience over the years. When life presents you or someone you care about with challenges, I sincerely hope that circumstances will allow you to meet them as strongly and as successfully as possible. Perhaps more importantly I also hope that when life is going well, you are able to recognize it, and appreciate it to the fullest extent.

Now I’ll be quiet and get back to work already…

Back to Work

Fred went back to work, part time, on Monday, and it feels so good to have a return to regular life. At the same time, it feels scary for me to return to normal life. I feel vulnerable and exposed with a return to normal. It feels like I open myself back up to more catastrophe. I know waking up and walking down the street everyday opens yourself up to something going wrong, but sometimes the good times scare me because I know it won't last and I will have to go through another tough time. I guess I can look back and know that I survived this big one, and there will be other big ones, I'm sure, but at least I will be able to draw on the strength I gained from this experience to help me in the future.

After everything we have been through, we are in such a good place as a family. I'm trying to not hold onto it too tightly and just enjoy it and see the beauty in my life right now. I feel like I love my husband and daughter more with each passing day, but it is scary to love this much because of how much it would hurt to lose what I have. I'm trying to find the balance between holding on and letting go, and I think it will be a life long lesson.

Safety Princess

I found this picture amusing, so I thought I would post it because it seems to define our family well right now.

Here is your safety princess!

Three Months

We are three months out from Fred's accident, and the progress is amazing. It's scary to look back to where I was sitting three months ago, and each month just keeps getting better. As soon as I knew we were out of the really scary days with Fred, I have tried to look at each day on a positive note and find the good with everything we are going through. It's easier to look back and realize you are past the hard times than to see them fade while you are going through them. I still feel strong emotional waves hit me from time to time, but they are fewer and farther between and less likely to occur at an inopportune time like while standing in line at the grocery store.

Fred goes back to work next week. He will start back part time for awhile and work back up to full time, but just going back to work and getting a normal schedule in place will be great for all of us.

The benefit party put on by the fire department, search and rescue and Fred's work was last weekend, and it was a blast. It was amazing to see how many people showed up (especially when we were all forced inside by the rain) and all of the community support. Fred gave a great speech and even played some lead guitar with the band.

Here's to moving forward, and to Fred's mom on her birthday!

To write or not

I felt like I had been blogging nonstop, save a few days here and there, since Fred's accident happened, and this weekend, I decided to take an unannounced break. It felt really good because my life also had some semblance of a new normal. Fred drove himself around to his own things, we had nice family time and I got to work in the garden and have time by myself at home. I'm still up and down and all over the map emotionally, but things like being done with going to Denver, getting a life schedule back in place and having time to myself is huge for my sanity. I also took a break from writing because I started to feel embarrassed about pouring my heart and emotions out on the blog. It felt a little overexposed, and I didn't feel like broadcasting every troubled emotion I had for a few days because all in all, we are doing wonderful. I know I still have a lot to process, but I'm not sure the blog is the appropriate place to do that. So I'm feeling self-conscious, which is completely normal for me!

Certified

As the doctor put it, Fred passed his driving test with flying colors. Hopefully we can get through the night without any food poisoning, car break-ins or last minute mishaps and get on the road in the morning for home. They haven't said anything about having to come back for any check-ups, and I think we are both too afraid to ask. Cheers to going home!