I should have known, posting about positive attitudes the other day that a bad day was coming. I had just enjoyed a nice long string of good days, so having a day where I feel overwhelmed, unable to do anything right and no idea how to get through isn't very fun. I'm going to try and vent here and see if that will help me move on to a better mood.
Everything is going fine and moving in the right direction, but I think trying to return to normal life is making me feel very not normal. Last night on the phone with Fred I was able to talk to him about a frustrating situation in my day. It felt really good to be able to have Fred just listen and sympathize with me over what was really a minor annoyance for me that I just needed to share with someone. It was a window into how much I've tried to not have him see the emotional roller coaster I've been on while he is healing. I realized how hard it has been to not have Fred involved in my day to day life for the last 6 weeks to share the little things we find funny that nobody else gets, have someone to vent to about anything that bothered you during the day or just share a moment of quiet together.
Thanks for listening - I'm feeling better now.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Accepting Help
I know I have posted about this before, but it is so hard and overwhelming emotionally for me/us to accept help, even when we really need it. It's hard enough for me to ask for help on a project or task that I used to be able to take care of myself but now feel completely overwhelmed, but what's even harder for me is accepting financial support that has come in with no requests from me from all aspects of the community. Every time I receive something it just makes me cry, in gratitude, in thanks, in happiness that Fred is going to come home.
I feel I have been very inadequate in my thank yous to all who have helped so far, part of this is because I barely have time to make sure we get through the day properly clothed, fed and bathed, but mostly this is because I don't feel like I have adequate words to describe that appreciation I feel.
I do know at some point we will be able to thank each and every one of you individually, but for now, please accept my bulk-blog-thank-you!
Thank you to both of our families and our friends. I would be in a crumpled heap without you; thank you to everyone at Mercury Payment systems where Fred works; thank you to Durango Fire and Rescue; thank you to La Plata County Search and Rescue; thank you to Kalyn's daycare and the generous families; thank you to the Durango Hundred Club; thank you to my work for being so understanding. I hope all of you can feel my big teary hug I'm sending out to all of you!
I feel I have been very inadequate in my thank yous to all who have helped so far, part of this is because I barely have time to make sure we get through the day properly clothed, fed and bathed, but mostly this is because I don't feel like I have adequate words to describe that appreciation I feel.
I do know at some point we will be able to thank each and every one of you individually, but for now, please accept my bulk-blog-thank-you!
Thank you to both of our families and our friends. I would be in a crumpled heap without you; thank you to everyone at Mercury Payment systems where Fred works; thank you to Durango Fire and Rescue; thank you to La Plata County Search and Rescue; thank you to Kalyn's daycare and the generous families; thank you to the Durango Hundred Club; thank you to my work for being so understanding. I hope all of you can feel my big teary hug I'm sending out to all of you!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Positive Attitudes
Fred's dad left this morning, so he has a week of only hospital food to eat. If you are going to be in the area and want to bring him a non fast food, non hospital food meal, he would be forever grateful! He lost over 10 pounds with all of the initial inactivity, and he wasn't a big guy to begin with. I worry about him not eating that much if all he has to eat is hospital food.
Fred said he woke up with a positive attitude today. Having the plan come together for his discharge date as an inpatient and also a plan to come home gives him a lot to look forward to. He said he was thinking last night about how much he has in life with a lot to look forward to.
Fred prepared another lunch today for some of the patients. It was a chicken curry salad that he had to get up early to cook the chicken for so it could cool and then prepare the salad for lunch. They have been doing more testing with him this week to see where he is at compared to when he was admitted. Next week when he is doing outpatient therapy it will be more simulated to life at home. They will work on setting up a simulated work environment, and they are working on having him sit in and audit some of the EMT refresher courses at Swedish. All of these situations will help to find out what he needs help with and how his learning style works now.
After Fred's avalanche accident, he had problems with fatigue and a short temper which he didn't attribute to the head injury. All of the work they are doing with him is to try and avoid that happening this time. When I talked to Melissa this morning, she said that with Fred's physical capacity and how well he is healing in that aspect, he could be a real bear to work with right now about the head injury. She said he is really doing a good job of staying positive, and when you sit and explain everything to him of why he has to stay and to certain things, he understands and agrees it is for the best. It lifts my heart up so much to hear this. I know we both have many frustrating moments ahead of us, but really, who doesn't in life? To know that my favorite side of Fred's personality has survived the accident and is showing itself most day to day makes me feel so blessed. We all have our moments in life (especially me) of being down, grumpy and short-tempered, but I'm overjoyed to hear that Fred's day to day attitude is still upbeat.
Now that we have a tentative plan in place, I'm starting to feel much more positive myself about spending the last week in Denver. I know I'll get through it and survive it because it too shall pass. I can also start to picture coming home and know that we will make it work. The hardest part will be Fred not being able to drive himself for a few months due to liability, but that also feels so minor right now. I have faith that the time spent at home will be a wonderful bonding time for us as a family.
Fred said he woke up with a positive attitude today. Having the plan come together for his discharge date as an inpatient and also a plan to come home gives him a lot to look forward to. He said he was thinking last night about how much he has in life with a lot to look forward to.
Fred prepared another lunch today for some of the patients. It was a chicken curry salad that he had to get up early to cook the chicken for so it could cool and then prepare the salad for lunch. They have been doing more testing with him this week to see where he is at compared to when he was admitted. Next week when he is doing outpatient therapy it will be more simulated to life at home. They will work on setting up a simulated work environment, and they are working on having him sit in and audit some of the EMT refresher courses at Swedish. All of these situations will help to find out what he needs help with and how his learning style works now.
After Fred's avalanche accident, he had problems with fatigue and a short temper which he didn't attribute to the head injury. All of the work they are doing with him is to try and avoid that happening this time. When I talked to Melissa this morning, she said that with Fred's physical capacity and how well he is healing in that aspect, he could be a real bear to work with right now about the head injury. She said he is really doing a good job of staying positive, and when you sit and explain everything to him of why he has to stay and to certain things, he understands and agrees it is for the best. It lifts my heart up so much to hear this. I know we both have many frustrating moments ahead of us, but really, who doesn't in life? To know that my favorite side of Fred's personality has survived the accident and is showing itself most day to day makes me feel so blessed. We all have our moments in life (especially me) of being down, grumpy and short-tempered, but I'm overjoyed to hear that Fred's day to day attitude is still upbeat.
Now that we have a tentative plan in place, I'm starting to feel much more positive myself about spending the last week in Denver. I know I'll get through it and survive it because it too shall pass. I can also start to picture coming home and know that we will make it work. The hardest part will be Fred not being able to drive himself for a few months due to liability, but that also feels so minor right now. I have faith that the time spent at home will be a wonderful bonding time for us as a family.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Trying to Plan
I feel like I am asking for trouble with trying to make a plan, but a tentative plan has to be set to figure out Fred's final weeks at Craig, so I'm diving in and trying to look into the future for a few weeks. Here's the plan, knowing that it will all probably change tomorrow.
Fred's dad leaves tomorrow, and Fred would spend the next week in the actual hospital room. Tom will go back up to Denver on the 14th when Fred would be discharged as an inpatient to stay at the patient/family housing with Tom. Tuesday he would start outpatient therapy where they will really work on pushing him to his point of failure. The point of this is to get him to see he is not ready to jump right back into the life he had on April 26th.
I have a work meeting that week, so I will drive with Kalyn that Friday, and Tom can go back home. Fred will still be doing his outpatient therapy for the final week, without much help from me. This is all to start figuring out coming home, what works and what doesn't with the help from the therapists as the bad guys, so I don't have to be the one pointing out problems.
Even though I am feeling an aversion to having to uproot myself and Kalyn and spend a week in Denver, I know this will be helpful in our transition back to home. It will be a simulated home environment with the support of the hospital. This sounds totally ridiculous as I write it, but I am relating it to after we had Kalyn. She was born at 6 in the morning, and we wanted to go home that day. We started talking with the doctors in the morning that if everything was fine with both myself and Kalyn, we wanted to go home that day. They definitely wanted to keep Kalyn for 12 hours after she was born, so we spent a lot of time thinking we were ready to go and waiting for some final authorization that she could go home. I forget what time it was when they finally discharged us, but it was sometime around 7 or 8 that night. As soon as her baby alarm bracelet was taken off and we were cleared to go, my only thought was about her being so tiny and why are they letting us take her by ourselves???
Fred is not tiny or fragile right now, but I am glad for the transition time to coming back to home. Fred is a busy guy, and the last time he was home, we were in our normal busy schedule. Everything is so different now, and I am not upset that we got off of the fast lane in life. I just hope that Fred will be so happy to be home and not be too upset that no one will let him jump right back into the life he left behind 6 weeks ago. I try to be a patient mother and wife, but I know I have my limits. Coming home as a family sounds equally wonderful and scary, but the whole plan I've just outlined will probably change everyday, so I guess I'll keep you posted!
Fred's dad leaves tomorrow, and Fred would spend the next week in the actual hospital room. Tom will go back up to Denver on the 14th when Fred would be discharged as an inpatient to stay at the patient/family housing with Tom. Tuesday he would start outpatient therapy where they will really work on pushing him to his point of failure. The point of this is to get him to see he is not ready to jump right back into the life he had on April 26th.
I have a work meeting that week, so I will drive with Kalyn that Friday, and Tom can go back home. Fred will still be doing his outpatient therapy for the final week, without much help from me. This is all to start figuring out coming home, what works and what doesn't with the help from the therapists as the bad guys, so I don't have to be the one pointing out problems.
Even though I am feeling an aversion to having to uproot myself and Kalyn and spend a week in Denver, I know this will be helpful in our transition back to home. It will be a simulated home environment with the support of the hospital. This sounds totally ridiculous as I write it, but I am relating it to after we had Kalyn. She was born at 6 in the morning, and we wanted to go home that day. We started talking with the doctors in the morning that if everything was fine with both myself and Kalyn, we wanted to go home that day. They definitely wanted to keep Kalyn for 12 hours after she was born, so we spent a lot of time thinking we were ready to go and waiting for some final authorization that she could go home. I forget what time it was when they finally discharged us, but it was sometime around 7 or 8 that night. As soon as her baby alarm bracelet was taken off and we were cleared to go, my only thought was about her being so tiny and why are they letting us take her by ourselves???
Fred is not tiny or fragile right now, but I am glad for the transition time to coming back to home. Fred is a busy guy, and the last time he was home, we were in our normal busy schedule. Everything is so different now, and I am not upset that we got off of the fast lane in life. I just hope that Fred will be so happy to be home and not be too upset that no one will let him jump right back into the life he left behind 6 weeks ago. I try to be a patient mother and wife, but I know I have my limits. Coming home as a family sounds equally wonderful and scary, but the whole plan I've just outlined will probably change everyday, so I guess I'll keep you posted!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Processing
I feel like I am processing a lot right now, but it feels more related to having spent a week with family for my sister's wedding than it does have to do with Fred's recovery. It was such a fun weekend, but I'm tired, so that makes me much more emotional.
Fred is really in the same space as I am right now. He is tired of being up there and ready to come home and get his life back. I want that right now too, so it's easy for me to want to agree with him. After all of the travel and time being away from home in the last 6 weeks has really worn me out. I feel very torn between what I want and what I need. I need a quiet week and weekend at home, but I also don't want to go a month without seeing Fred. It keeps working itself out, so I'm trying to just let it go, but I'm not being that successful at the moment.
When I talked to Fred tonight, he was very tired of the opinions of everyone else, and he thinks he is fine. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks, so it's hard for me to weigh in on how I think he is doing. The hardest thing for me is he sees that I am worn down and need a break. He told me as much as he would love to see us, he's ready to wait to see us for when we come pick him up to bring him home. I appreciate that he is being so thoughtful about what I need, but I also feel like part of that is related to him thinking he will be checked out sooner than the tentative discharge date.
Now I'll switch subjects and highlight the fun points of my weekend at my sister's wedding. Friday night we hosted the rehearsal dinner that house we had been staying at. It was a great party and Uncle Jerry did a fantastic job grilling up the kabobs, Aunt Barbara managed the whole kitchen and my brother's girlfriend Becca was an invaluable help the whole day. Scott's parents had gotten Emily a room at the hotel she was getting married at for that night, and she wanted me to stay with her. I got to leave Kalyn at the house and have a night off myself. Our wild bachelorette night was staying up until 10 watching the tv show about brides finding their perfect wedding dresses. It was a nice mellow night for us both, and she was able to get a good night of sleep before her wedding. We took a nice walk on the beach in the morning and got our hair done. It was a nice slow mellow morning and everyone commented on how calm she was.
The wedding was absolutely beautiful and Kalyn did a great job as flower girl. She even dropped a few handfuls of petals. We had practiced the day before, and as she was walking down the aisle, she looked up at me and said "look mom, I'm dropping petals!" I had also hidden a little box of candy at the bottom of her basket of petals, and she found that right at the end of the aisle and said "look mom, I found candy!" She sat down and ate her box of tiny candies, one at a time, during the whole ceremony and nobody heard from her!
The reception was very fun, and Kalyn had little girls to play with and lots of family to watch over her, so I was able to have fun while being there for my sister. I love weddings because so many people are coming together for such a happy reason. I was very emotional at the end of the evening saying goodbye to the family, but I just have such an appreciation for family after this whole experience with Fred. As I said in my toast on Saturday, my definition of family is not about who is blood related to you. It's about the people that are there for you through the good times and the bad. Right now I feel like I have a huge family.
Fred is really in the same space as I am right now. He is tired of being up there and ready to come home and get his life back. I want that right now too, so it's easy for me to want to agree with him. After all of the travel and time being away from home in the last 6 weeks has really worn me out. I feel very torn between what I want and what I need. I need a quiet week and weekend at home, but I also don't want to go a month without seeing Fred. It keeps working itself out, so I'm trying to just let it go, but I'm not being that successful at the moment.
When I talked to Fred tonight, he was very tired of the opinions of everyone else, and he thinks he is fine. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks, so it's hard for me to weigh in on how I think he is doing. The hardest thing for me is he sees that I am worn down and need a break. He told me as much as he would love to see us, he's ready to wait to see us for when we come pick him up to bring him home. I appreciate that he is being so thoughtful about what I need, but I also feel like part of that is related to him thinking he will be checked out sooner than the tentative discharge date.
Now I'll switch subjects and highlight the fun points of my weekend at my sister's wedding. Friday night we hosted the rehearsal dinner that house we had been staying at. It was a great party and Uncle Jerry did a fantastic job grilling up the kabobs, Aunt Barbara managed the whole kitchen and my brother's girlfriend Becca was an invaluable help the whole day. Scott's parents had gotten Emily a room at the hotel she was getting married at for that night, and she wanted me to stay with her. I got to leave Kalyn at the house and have a night off myself. Our wild bachelorette night was staying up until 10 watching the tv show about brides finding their perfect wedding dresses. It was a nice mellow night for us both, and she was able to get a good night of sleep before her wedding. We took a nice walk on the beach in the morning and got our hair done. It was a nice slow mellow morning and everyone commented on how calm she was.
The wedding was absolutely beautiful and Kalyn did a great job as flower girl. She even dropped a few handfuls of petals. We had practiced the day before, and as she was walking down the aisle, she looked up at me and said "look mom, I'm dropping petals!" I had also hidden a little box of candy at the bottom of her basket of petals, and she found that right at the end of the aisle and said "look mom, I found candy!" She sat down and ate her box of tiny candies, one at a time, during the whole ceremony and nobody heard from her!
The reception was very fun, and Kalyn had little girls to play with and lots of family to watch over her, so I was able to have fun while being there for my sister. I love weddings because so many people are coming together for such a happy reason. I was very emotional at the end of the evening saying goodbye to the family, but I just have such an appreciation for family after this whole experience with Fred. As I said in my toast on Saturday, my definition of family is not about who is blood related to you. It's about the people that are there for you through the good times and the bad. Right now I feel like I have a huge family.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Wedding Mode
We're in full wedding mode here, so I haven't had much time to talk to Fred and catch up with him. I did talk to him briefly yesterday, and he was talking to his doctor about the meds they are giving him to help him relax and sleep better at night. Fred feels like it keeps him from feeling fresh in the morning. He also wants to review his xrays with the doctor to see which ribs are broken and where his clavicle and scapula are broken. I see it as another stage of his recovery that he wants to participate in his medical care.
Fred is planning his weekend activities with his Dad. He is trying to avoid large crowds because he worries someone will run into his shoulder. I think the brain injury makes him a little more focused on the worrying part of being injured and not getting re-injured.
I have to run and change gears into helping my sister get ready for the big weekend. It's time to focus on just her and the wedding for me now and not think about insurance paperwork until Monday.
Fred is planning his weekend activities with his Dad. He is trying to avoid large crowds because he worries someone will run into his shoulder. I think the brain injury makes him a little more focused on the worrying part of being injured and not getting re-injured.
I have to run and change gears into helping my sister get ready for the big weekend. It's time to focus on just her and the wedding for me now and not think about insurance paperwork until Monday.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A New Plan
This morning I got a call from the hospital about setting a new plan for Fred's discharge. Fred has been lobbying hard to not have to stay until the end of the month, so they are trying to appease him slightly while still getting him the therapy he needs for his recovery. The new plan would be to have Fred be an outpatient for the last 2 weeks of his time at Craig, and we would live in the patient/family housing with him while he still had therapy during the week. This is good news in the sense that it will be easier for me and allow him to be more independent and get a good sense of what it will be like to be home. The partial downside is that he cannot stay at the apartments by himself, so someone has to be in Denver for the final two weeks with him.
I feel like I can't make a plan any more because every time I make a plan too far in advance, everything gets turned upside down. I am feeling a lot of resistance inside myself towards going back to Denver and spending over a week there. I want to see Fred, but trying to get work done and manage a toddler at the same time is not very easy to do at the apartments.
Life has felt very surreal the past few days while we get ready for my sister's wedding in California. I feel very relaxed and very far away from life at the hospital. I have been spending a lot of fun time with the family and Kalyn has been wearing herself out in the pool everyday. I took her to the beach for the first time today. She thought the water was too cold. The waves were big and breaking right on the shore, so I'll try another beach with better conditions for her to play in the water another day.
I feel like I can't make a plan any more because every time I make a plan too far in advance, everything gets turned upside down. I am feeling a lot of resistance inside myself towards going back to Denver and spending over a week there. I want to see Fred, but trying to get work done and manage a toddler at the same time is not very easy to do at the apartments.
Life has felt very surreal the past few days while we get ready for my sister's wedding in California. I feel very relaxed and very far away from life at the hospital. I have been spending a lot of fun time with the family and Kalyn has been wearing herself out in the pool everyday. I took her to the beach for the first time today. She thought the water was too cold. The waves were big and breaking right on the shore, so I'll try another beach with better conditions for her to play in the water another day.
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